Why Leaving a Narcissist Feels Impossible (and Why You’re Not Weak)

Have you ever heard the question, “If it’s so bad, why don’t you just leave?”

In this episode of The Healing Lounge, Marcia Williams—licensed therapist, author, and survivor of a 30-year marriage to a narcissist—breaks down why leaving isn’t that simple. From trauma bonds and finances to faith, shame, and children, Marcia unpacks the very real barriers that keep survivors stuck and the shame that follows them.

You’ll learn why staying doesn’t make you weak—it makes you human. And you’ll leave with tools, affirmations, and a powerful reframe to remind you: you’re not failing, you’re surviving.

What you’ll hear in this episode:

• The truth behind the “why don’t you just leave?” question
• The five most common reasons survivors stay (and why they make sense)
• How trauma bonds trap the brain and body
• The difference between weakness and survival
• A journal prompt + affirmation to start reclaiming your power

Resources & Next Steps:

• Learn more at thepassagetopeace.com
• Get support through one-on-one coaching, groups, and our survivor community
• Follow Marcia on social media for daily encouragement (links in show notes)
• Join her live every Monday night at 7 PM EST on all social media platforms for real-time coaching and conversation

Be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss the next episode!

Oh, wait.... Dont' forget your FREE COMPANION GUIDE!

For 30 years, Marcia Williams lived in silence inside a marriage with a narcissist. In her powerful memoir GROOMED: Life Married to a Narcissist and How I Overcame Narcissistic Abuse, she shares the raw truth of that journey and the courageous steps she took to reclaim her peace.

This book is more than a survivor’s story. It’s a message of hope, resilience, and empowerment for anyone trapped in the cycle of narcissistic abuse. 

Transcript

Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of the Healing Lounge!

Listen, if anyone has ever asked you, “If it's so bad, why don't you just leave?” You know, the sting of that question I do because that question has been posed to me before during my 30-year marriage to an overt narcissist. Now I know some of you, most of you, are in possibly a covert narcissist relationship. It's okay. Either way, they have either heard us complaining time and time again, or they see it for themselves. 

Today, I'm pulling the curtain back on why leaving a narcissist feels so impossible and why it doesn't mean you're weak, it means you are surviving.

So for me, I stayed in spite of the pain. I stayed in spite of the disrespect, the shrinking. These things, I didn't even realize that this is what was happening, but I knew when I didn't feel good. I knew when I felt sad and lonely and questioning my reality in my marriage. But I told myself things like, this is what marriages go through. This is just, this must be how it is. I can handle it. What's the big deal? I know he really loves me. So at this point, I just thought I was allergic to freedom. I'm like, you know what? This is just my life. Because every time I even thought about leaving, something would pull me back and sometimes that something was him. He would say things like, we don't do that. We don't do divorce. That was one of his things to say. And it conditioned me to believe just that. I didn't get married to get divorced. I didn't get married to, to give up. 

I should have known that marriage was hard work, but why didn't anybody tell me? Why didn't somebody warn me that this was going to be one of the hardest things I did next to childbirth. We go into marriage thinking, oh, I'm so in love. He or she loves me and I want to spend the rest of my life with this person. Well, guess what? It's not all cookies and cream. And if you're married, you already know that I'm preaching to the choir at this point, but the conditioning also was him telling me we're not getting divorced because there's not going to be another man raising my kids or don't give up on us. So what is that guilt tripping? And it's also intimidation. So does this sound familiar to you?  I bet it does.

So let's talk about why leaving a narcissist is so hard. 

Number one, the trauma bond. What does that look like? It is a strategy, whether it is conscious and purposeful or not. It is still a very clear textbook strategy to get us hooked in this dysfunctional relationship.

So the trauma bond includes stage one, which is love bombing. This is also called the idealization stage. So we fall in love with the idea of who this person is. We fall in love with what they present to us during the initial stages of the relationship. We immediately, quickly feel safe with them. We feel connected to them. We feel bonded in our vulnerabilities because we're sharing our trauma and they're listening and they're responsive and they seem empathetic. We cannot possibly know that this is love bombing. We can't. It's not possible. So please do not blame yourself for not recognizing this. It's very, very, very subtle. 

The next stage is the devaluing stage. This is where something catches your attention as not right, uncomfortable, or just completely out of character. Let's say, for example, something as simple as road rage. For the first time you see their anger. You hadn't seen it before. It's out of the clear blue and it shocks you. And it makes you almost see a different side of them that you had not seen before. But what do we do? Well, it's road rage. I get angry too when I'm driving. So we minimize it, we justify it, and we overlook it. 

Now, this devaluation stage can also be something much bigger and more significant than road rage. Let's say they disrespect you.  You ask them a question and they blow up. Why are you asking me that? What makes you think fill in the blank? You are caught off guard. You're shocked that they're talking to you this way and you're trying to figure out what did you do? What did I say? ⁓ my goodness. What's happening here? Well, this is the devaluation stage, but what do we do?  I must have done something wrong. I must have said something wrong. I shouldn't have asked that question. We immediately blame ourselves or we minimize and rationalize. They had a tough day at work. Of course they blew up. I shouldn't have said something as soon as they came home from work. I should have given them time to relax. We blame ourselves so quickly.

The third stage of the trauma bond is hoovering. Now it's either going to be hoovering or the discard.  By hoovering, this means that they are going to hover over you. They're going to do everything they can to make you think that what they did was okay, or that it wasn't meant to hurt you. Don't take it personally. They're not going to apologize. They're not going to take accountability for their behavior but instead they're going to just do things to make you forget about it or overlook it or the discard. They're going to give you the silent treatment. They're going to withhold intimacy or affection. This creates a trauma bond because your brain feels confused. If you've ever felt confused or exhausted by trying to figure out what is going on here, this is the trauma bond being formed. 

Another reason why we stay is because of finances. I am sure you know what I'm talking about. So we are in fear of starting over because of either lack of finances or their control over the finances. This is economic or what I call financial abuse. So you might say to yourself, well, I manage all the money.  I pay all the bills or you might say I get an allowance from them. Either way, if you are afraid of leaving a narcissist because of finances, you are being controlled by money in your relationship. 

Now, the next way is your faith. How many of us can relate to your religious or cultural expectations that you remain married?  This is a big one. This is where guilt comes in because the church encourages prayer to heal your marriage. Pray over your spouse. Pray for your own deliverance and healing. Listen, I spent many of nights reading scriptures that I thought would help heal my marriage.

But I want you to know this is spiritual manipulation and it's very difficult to identify because our faith is so strong. this is what I call false hope. Again, we don't know that this is happening because we're going to try everything first. We're literally going to try everything before we decide that there's no hope. Who wants to admit that there's no hope for your marriage? Especially when you now have this sole tie with this person who you have devoted your life to. It's easier said than done. 

So again, when someone tells you to leave, they have no idea of the bond and I don't mean a healthy one that has been formed here. Another reason, shame. What will people think? Now again, easier said than done for someone to say, you shouldn't care about what anybody else thinks. Do what you need to do. Easier said than done. Listen, you guys, this is why I always say, if someone hasn't been in your shoes, there's no way they can possibly know. That means a therapist. means your best friend. means your pastor. That means your parents, your loved ones. They don't understand and it's not their fault. They can't possibly understand. We literally have to forgive them. They could not possibly understand. So we're stuck with this shame because I chose this person. This was me. I chose this person. I wanted to marry this person. Oftentimes in spite of what other people thought or cautioned me against. So now I've got to come back with my head between my legs and say, you were right. I don't want to be wrong. I did not want to admit that I made the wrong decision.

That kept me trapped in my 30-year marriage. Now here's a big one, children. The fear of custody battles, the fear of the family not remaining intact, protecting the kids. Listen, we think staying for the kids is a good thing?  It is a lie from the pit of hell! I promise you, but that's what I did. Look, I love that I get to say whatever I want on my podcast because I did it first! So I am speaking from the heart. I am speaking truth.

Fear of the children not having a two-parent home. Think about that. Because what do they have? Yes, they have a two-parent home. We'll give them that. But what kind of parent are they growing up with? If your spouse or significant other is a narcissist, they're growing up with someone who is displaying a lack of empathy, a lack of genuine care and concern for your children as individuals, instead they are pawns to a narcissist. And this is the two parent home that we want our children to grow up in.

It is denial. And I'm going to be even more honest with you because I had to be honest with myself. It was my fear of my children not having two parents. wasn't thinking about what type of two parents. It was just the number two. Let's keep it real. All we're thinking about is two, two parents. Well, yay kids. We are damaging our kids and using them as an excuse to stay because of our fear. When you are trauma bonded, leaving feels like cutting off your own oxygen, but that's the addiction talking, not your truth.

So let's talk about reframing the narrative. I want to help you with this. I want to first and foremost reassure you, you are not weak. You're not stupid. You're not naive. You're not, you're not any of these things that we tell ourselves.  You're surviving in the only way you know how, and you're doing a good job of it, believe it or not. I actually want to give you kudos because it's not easy to survive in this relationship because guess what? You're still going to work. You're still taking care of the children. You're still paying bills. You're still doing all the things while you are surviving. That takes a strong person.

So I want you to know that staying actually took an immense amount of courage and resilience. But guess what? Planning your exit is where your strength is going to come forth. Leaving isn't a moment, it's a process. And if you're in that process, you're already moving toward freedom. You're not stuck. The process is not a straight line. Give yourself some grace. That's what I had to learn. It's not easy, but you can do it.  

So I want to give you some empowerment. This is a journal prompt. I want you to get a pen and paper and I want you to write this down.  What is one small way I can choose myself this week? I really want you to spend time reflecting on this because listen guys, it's a vision that you need because your eyes see your reality. Your vision sees your future. Come on now, get with me on this paradigm shift.  Shift your thinking not into what's happening to you today, because it's real and it's valid. I'm here to validate you. I'm validating your reality, but I need you to shift, shift into the vision of the life you want in spite of what your environment looks like today. 

So that journal prompt:  What is one small way I can choose myself this week?

It doesn't matter how big or how small this step is.  The actual purpose of it is changing your mind because when you decide in your mind, listen, I remember when I decided.  I remember when I made the conscious decision, said to myself, this was my mantra. I said to myself, it's my turn. And I started applying that to every single moment that I could remember to do it and to say it in my head. It's my turn. 

So my question to you, survivor, what is your mantra this week? 

Is it:

I am not weak for staying, but I am strong for surviving.

Or is it:

It's time for me to prioritize myself. 

Prioritize myself, worry about myself. Come on now, get creative. What is your mantra this week? I also want you to know that you do not have to do this alone. Therapy, support groups, a community. It's available to you, it's out there, but we have got to push through our fear.  We've got to push through our anger. We've got to push through our shame and reach out and ask for help.

I have a lifeline for you. I am actually thankful for 30 years of marriage to a narcissist because it positioned me to be here to support you in every way that I know how.  There is so much support for you out there. Please know that you do not have to do this alone. If you're still in it, I want you to know you're not a failure. You're not weak. You are surviving. And one day you will look back and see how strong you really were. Just like I'm able to do today. I'm five years divorced. And when I tell you, I am so proud of myself because it was so, so hard.

And that's why I get to tell you, do the hard thing. You will look back and be so proud of yourself, but it's not easy. But the harder it is, the more powerful you become. You will find your strength So I invite you to connect. Make a connection. Subscribe and share this with a friend or subscribe for yourself and join a community of people who are just like you. And I go live every day on social media. I am always here for you. But this podcast is special to me because I get to share my personal stories, my personal experience. 

I just know that there is something I'm going to say from my own personal experience that will resonate with you. It will empower you to move forward, to take that next very scary step. Remember, this process does not look like a straight line. When I first left, I went back. It was too scary. It was too unfamiliar, but I had to be honest with myself. I was more comfortable with the chaos than I was with the freedom, with the silence that peace gave me. I didn't know what to do with it. So yeah, I needed another lesson. I needed another example, which my ex was happy to provide because he could only be who he is. And that propelled me into my new life where I could not be happier.

I'm so glad you're here and I so look forward to you walking on this journey with me and me walking with you because you are healing just the fact that you're here today.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for being here. And thank you for taking time to prioritize yourself. I will see you in the next episode of the Healing Lounge.